"The home of sexy lingerie since 1946."  Its connection to coin collecting?  Well, none actually.  But if you're spending too much time or money on coins, your wife or girlfriend, or both, will appreciate a thoughtful gift from this fine firm...

Alone on a Desert Island... One day, this guy, who'd been stranded all alone on a desert island for 10 years, was sitting on the beach when suddenly, a beautiful woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear emerged from the surf. She approached the stunned guy and asked, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"   "Ten years!" he said. She unzipped a waterproof pocket on her right sleeve and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes.  He took one, lit it, took a long drag and said, "Oh, that's good!" Then the woman asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink?"  Trembling, the man said, "Ten long years!" The woman unzipped the waterproof pocket on her left sleeve, pulled out a flask and gave it to him.  The man took a long swig and said, "Man, that's sweet!" The woman then started slowly unzipping the front of her wet suit, looked at him seductively and asked, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" The man, with tears in his eyes, replied, "Oh sweet mother of God!  Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there."

Golf On The Sly A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.  As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied, and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.   "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.  "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."   The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The Ladies' Tee It was a sunny Saturday morning and Colin was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the Clubhouse loudspeaker.  "Would the gentleman on the Ladies' tee please back up to the men's tee." Colin was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement -- "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men’s tee." Colin had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot."

Secrets of Golf 1. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. 2. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three. 3. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. 4. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there. 5. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot. 6. It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10. 7. Never leave your opponent with the sole responsibility for thinking of all the things that might go wrong with his shot. 8. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. 9. It's not a gimme if you're still away. 10. Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dogleg to the right. 11. A stroke does not occur unless it is observed by more than one golfer. 12. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. 13. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap.  Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 600 mph. 14. Knowing the swing weight of your club is as indispensable to playing good golf as knowing the temperature of the grass in the fairway. 15. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove. 16. A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive. 17. For most golfers, the only difference between a one-dollar ball and a three-dollar ball is two dollars. 18. The frequency with which balls are lost increases as the available supply decreases. 19. An extra ball in the pocket is worth two strokes in the bush. 20. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

A Small World Two businessmen were out at their private golf club enjoying a beautiful afternoon with a round of golf. Since it was just the two of them, they were moving around the course quickly until they came upon a twosome of ladies on the twelfth hole.  The two men watched as the ladies hit their shots, carried on animated conversations, and took their own sweet time to finish play, totally ignoring the twosome behind them.  The more they watched, the more frustrated and angry the two men became as their round was slowed to a snail's pace. Finally one of the men said, "I'm going to drive up to those ladies, give them a piece of my mind and tell them they better let us play through or else!"  As his companion watched, the first man drove up the cart path, got about half the way to the ladies, abruptly turned around, and returned to the tee. The second golfer asked, "What did they say?"  The first said, "I couldn't say anything.  As I got closer I realized that one of the ladies is my wife and the other is my mistress." "That's OK, I'll go talk to them," replied the second man as he jumped into the cart and headed toward the women.  Suddenly he too made a U-turn and headed back to his playing partner. As he approached the tee he said, "It's a small world isn't it!"

Parsimonious Husbands An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman were all playing golf with their wives.  The Englishman's wife stepped up to the tee, and as she bent over to place her ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear. "Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband exclaimed.  "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any." The Englishman immediately reached into his pocket and said, " For the sake of decency here's 50 pounds.  Go and buy yourself some underwear." Next the Irishman's wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blew up to show that she, too,  was wearing no undies. "Bejesus woman.  You've no knickers - why not?"  She replied, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."  So, he reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency here's 20 pounds.  Go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bent over. The wind also took her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.  "Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?"  She too explained, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any." The Scot reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a bit!"

A Bit Rusty Two golfing buddies who had not played together for some time met on the course one day for a round of golf. One fellow said to the other, "Hey Jack, how's your game going." Jack replied, "My game is so bad right now I had to have my ball retriever regripped."

Scottish Rules An American was golfing at the Old Course in St. Andrews, Scotland. He sliced his opening drive out of bounds onto the beach, so he teed another one up and smacked it right down the middle.  The golfer turned to his old Scottish caddy and told him that in America this second shot is called a "Mulligan," and asked him if there was a name for it in Scotland.   The caddy replied, "Aye, we call it a three."

This sign was posted at a local golf club… Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. Form a loose grip. Keep your head down. Avoid a quick backswing. Stay out of the water. Try not to hit anyone. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you. Don't stand directly in front of others. Quiet please...while others are preparing to go. Don't take extra strokes. Well done. Now flush the urinal. Go outside and tee off!

African Rules An avid golfer wanted to play each of the top 100 courses listed by Golf Magazine, and over time he had played all but the remote and somewhat treacherous Mombassa Golf Club and Safari Park in Africa. Finally he raised the necessary funds and time to make the trip and arrived at the pro shop where his pre-arranged caddie promptly greeted him. He was a strapping young fellow fully outfitted in khaki with a rifle slung over his shoulder.  “Nigel will take good care of you, Sir,” the Pro said by way of introduction. ”What is your handicap, Sir?” Nigel inquired of our intrepid golfer. ”Six,” he replied with pride. ”Very good, Sir,” said Nigel. The 1st hole is a stern opener of 442 yards, narrow with dense underbrush on both sides. Our man, a little stiff from his journey, slashed it right into this stuff. While he was poking around in the thatch and underbrush, a lion charged out straight at him. As Leo became airborne, Nigel raised his rifle and fired. The lion fell dead. "My God, man, you saved my life." "No problem, Sir.  Anyway, I also found your ball.” Our man recovered nicely and recorded a bogey.  On the next hole he drove down the middle. This is a long 550-yarder, and his 2nd shot found a big bunker short of the green.  The bunker had an overhanging front lip that happened to be home to a king cobra. Our intrepid golfer was setting his feet in the loose sand and when he came eye to eye with the cobra.  The snake lashed out and down, directly at the man’s genitals, but before he could blink, BLAM, Nigel shot off the viper’s head. Again Nigel had saved his hide.  “Thank you thank you.”  “No problem, Sir.”  After his nerves had settled, our man proceeded to get up and down. On the third hole he finally got a break. A par 3 over a pond, just an 8-iron shot, but being new to the course, he hit a 9. It fell just in the edge of the hazard, so that he had to address the shot with his right foot in the water. He was about to take the club back when a huge crocodile emerged from the depths and grabbed him by the legs. It thrashed him about, tearing his limbs and separating them from his body, and crawled away, leaving half a man lying there bleeding and writhing in pain.  "What the hell is the matter with you??”  he shouted at Nigel. "Why didn't you use your rifle, man?"  Nigel, indignant at the very question replied, "This is a 130-yard par three. You have a handicap of six. You don’t get a shot here!”

Gone Fishin' Two long-time golfers were standing at the third tee, overlooking the river.  Just before teeing off, one golfer looked to the other and said, "Look at those idiots down there, fishin' in the rain."

The Devoted Wife Sam and Becky were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.  Bravely, Sam asked Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replied, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now?  You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Becky, I really want to know.  Please..."  "Well, all right.  Yes, 3 times..." "Three? Well, when were they?" he asked. "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?  Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Becky, you did that for me!  I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?" "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it!  Becky, you shouldn't have done such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife.  To do such a thing, you must really love me, Darling. I couldn't be more moved.  So, all right then, when was number 3?" "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

An Honest Start A couple met at Hilton Head Resort in South Carolina and fell in love.  They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you Jody," Bill said.  "I'm a golf nut.  I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf." "Well, since you're being honest, so will I,"  Jody said.  "I'm a hooker." "I see," he said.  Then, brightening, he smiled.  "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Backspin... Arnold Palmer was playing in a big tournament when he came to a par 3 measuring 235 yards. After some deliberation, he took out his 3 iron and sailed the ball 20 feet over the flag and backed it up to within 3 feet of the pin. A fan in the crowd said, "Mr. Palmer, how do you make a 3 iron back up like that?" Mr. Palmer replied, "Do you own a 3 iron?" The fan said, "Yes, sir I do." "How far do you hit it?" asked Palmer. "About 160 yards." was the reply. To which Palmer quipped, "What the hell do you want it to back up for?"

Sign Language... An old man was playing a round of golf with his wife, and they both hit into huge bunkers on the side of the green.  He hit out, and realized that he couldn't find the rake.  So, he yelled over to his elderly, hard-of-hearing wife, and asked, "Where is the rake?"  She couldn't hear him and shouted back, "What?" The man first pointed to his eye, then to his knee and finally made a raking motion. The wife, puzzled, again shouted, "What?" The man repeated his gestures...pointing to his eye, then to his knee.... and finally made a raking motion.  "EYE KNEE THE RAKE." The wife finally understood and signaled back.  She first pointed to her eye.... next she pointed to her left breast.....then she pointed to her butt.... and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell the man could even come close to understanding that one. Exasperated, he went over and asked her "What in the hell was that?" She replied, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH."

GOLF: The Four Letter Word Explained 1. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle. 2. The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again." 3. A "gimme" is defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well. 4. If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme” putt, you might wish to reconsider this game. 5. No matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse. 6. Swing easy. Hit hard. 7. No one knows why it is twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand. 8. You hit down to make the ball go up.  You swing left and the ball goes right.  The lowest score wins.  And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

The Doctor's Advice After her husband's checkup, a woman was called into the doctor's office.  The doctor told her, "Your husband has a serious disease. There are several things you'll have to do for him, or he will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant to him. Make him a nutritious lunch for work, and an especially nice meal for his dinner at night. Don't give him chores, or that will increase his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him either. Try to relax him in the evenings by wearing lingerie and giving him backrubs. Let him play golf every weekend and listen patiently to how his round went.  And most importantly, make love to him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you do these things for the next 10 months to a year, I think he'll pull through." On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her. "You're going to die." she replied.

Commitment Playing as a single at St. Andrews, Michael was teamed with a twosome.   After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself.  He replied that he and his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away, and he kept the tee time in her memory.  The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot.   "So did I," he said, "but they all wanted to go to the funeral."

The Luck of the Irish One fine day in Ireland, a man is out golfing and gets to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the right side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across a little guy with a huge lump on his head and a golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little fellow. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says, "I can't take anything from you.  I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him.  I'll give him the three things that I would want -- unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life." A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking for his ball and comes across the same leprechaun.  He asks the leprechaun how he is and the leprechaun replies: "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great!  I shoot under par every time."  Then the leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And how is your money holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note." The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you too. And how is your sex life?" The golfer looks at him shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Only once or twice a week??!!" The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

I Swear It's the Truth A man took the day off work and decided to go out golfing.  On the third hole he noticed a frog sitting in the fairway. He thought nothing of it and was about to hit a 7-iron for his second shot when he heard, Ribbit 9-Iron." The man looked around and didn’t see anyone. Again, he heard, "Ribbit 9-Iron."  He looked at the frog and decided to prove the frog wrong.  He put the 7-iron away, and grabbed his 9-iron. Boom! He hit it 10 inches from the cup.  Shocked, he said to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?” The frog replied, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asked.  "Ribbit 3-wood." The guy took out a 3-wood and, Boom! Hole-in-one. By the end of the day, the man had golfed the best game in his life, and so he asked the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replied, "Ribbit Las Vegas.” They went to Las Vegas and the guy said, "OK frog, now what?"  The frog said, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asked, "What do you think I should bet?"  The frog replied, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a long shot to win, but after the golf game the man figured what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash came sliding back across the table. The man took his winnings and bought the best room in the hotel.  He sat the frog down and said, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money, and I am forever grateful." The frog replied, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figured why not, since after everything the frog had done for him, he deserved it. With a kiss, the frog turned into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God, or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

Questions, Questions, Questions... One day, the curious wife asked her unsuspecting husband, “Honey, if I died, would you re-marry?” “Why, yes,” he replied, “I suppose I would.” “And would you,” she continued, “live in this house with your new wife?” “Well, I guess so,” he answered. “And would the two of you sleep in our bedroom?” “Hmmm, yes, I presume we would.” “And would she use my set of golf clubs?” “Oh no, honey, of course not.  She’s left-handed!”

True Devotion A husband and wife were out golfing together one day when they came upon a tough Par 4 hole. The husband hooked his drive deep into the woods and proclaimed that he would have to chip out. Then the wife said, "Maybe not, dear! Do you see that barn over there? If I open the doors on both sides, I do believe you could hit it right through and reach the green." So the husband agreed to give it a try, but when he hit the ball it went straight through the first set of doors of the barn, hit a crossbeam, ricocheted back and hit his wife square in the head, killing her stone dead. Well, about a year later the man was golfing with a friend. He found himself on the same hole, with the same results: a hook deep into the woods. He was all set to chip out when his friend ran up to him and said, "Wait! Do you see that barn over there?  If I open the doors on both sides, I think you can still reach the green." "No way," replied the man, "I tried that last year and got a 7."

Her Side -- His Side Her Side of the Story: He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar.  I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.  I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but could tell there was something wrong.  The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.  We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny.  I was getting really worried, what did I do?  What was bothering him?  Was he mad at me?  I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him.  Was it me or something else?  I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said no.  But I wasn't really sure.  So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I loved him, and he just put his arm around me!  I didn't know what the hell that meant because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place, and I was wondering if he was going to break up with me!  Why didn't he want to talk about this?  So I tried to ask him about it, but he just switched on the TV.  Why would he rather watch TV than talk to me? Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep, hoping he would get the hint that I was upset and wanted to talk.  I was so hurt that he was out there watching TV while I was in here going through emotional turmoil. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex.  I thought that maybe he would open up after we shared an intimate experience like that, but he still seemed really distracted. So afterwards I just wanted to leave because I was so upset, but I just cried myself to sleep. He didn't even notice how upset I was! I don't know, I just don't know what he thinks anymore.  I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm on emotional overload.  I'm so confused.  I don't think he loves me anymore. Why does he have to play mind games with me?  I mean, do you think he's met someone else? His Side of the Story: Played badly today - shot 93 - can't putt.  Felt kinda tired.  Got laid though.